Sadness

Suddenly i feel so sad...dun know why i feel this way. Maybe, it's because the problem that i've been thru. I'm doin my best to solve my problem with my fiance. I think it will take me a little bit more time to let myself free. I feel sad because i have to let him go after 5 years relationship. I can't get along with him anymore. After wut i've been thru with him, i think i had enough with it. He's too depending on me too much. If i broke up with him soon, i hope he will understand why i'm doin this, hope that he can live without me by his side and really hope that he can forgive me for wut i've done to him. I'm really...really sorry.....

Recently, on the 3rd Jan, GG went to Philippines for shoots. She'll be there for 2 1/2 months. Huaaa....so longg.....Now, i think i missed her. Tomorrow, Sira will be goin to Philippines. So, left only me, anis and da dory. I'm gonna miss her. Miss both of them. For now, i dun have any job assignment. But, i think i'm gonna be assign with a new reality show coming up soon coz i'm gonna start pre-production by next week. I really hope i can go for my holiday vacation to Philippines on the 27th Jan with my friends. Hopefully i can go. I really need a break after all the hectic shoots and my personal problems.

Suratan Atau Kebetulan

Suratan Atau Kebetulan
( By Kenny, Remy & Martin )

Sesuatu yang tak disangka
Seringkali mendatangi kita
Itukah suratan dalam kehidupan
Atau sekadar satu kebetulan

Kita asyik membicarakan
Persoalan hidup dan pilihan
Serta kejujuran semakin berkurang
Masih tiada bertemu jawapan

Walau kita dihadapkan dengan berbagai pilihan
Mengapa sering terjadi
Pilihan tak menepati
Hingga amat menakutkan menghadapi masa depan
Seolah olah terhapus sebuah kehidupan yang kudus

Pertemuan sekali ini
Bagi diriku amat bererti
Tetapi ku bimbang untuk menyatakan
Bimbang kan berulang kesilapan

Happy New Year...

Happy New Year to all.

It's been months I haven't wrote anything in my blog. Hmmm....its been quite a year for me. I was busy with my shoots called Mat Dom Teksi ( 3rd & 4th Seasons ). It was a tension job to handle. But, i was proud, last year it self, Mat Dom Teksi won 3 awards. 1st was Anugerah Oskar ( won the best audio for MCP ), TV Asia Award ( Janet Khoo won the best actress for comedy ) and lastly Anugerah Skrin 2006 ( won the best comedy series ). After all that, now i know, the hard work that i've gone thru last year, means something to me. Eventhough my name was not mention in any of the competition, but to be one of the crew behind the scene enough to makes me proud to get involved in that project. Thanks to all of the production team, crew, casts and most important to the Director/Executive Producer ( Abg Lan ) and my boss ( Mr Eric Ong ). Congratulations to all!! Cheerrsss!!!

Another story....i've make a biggest mistake in my life recently. I was engaged to someone that i've known for 5 years. But, the problem is.....i know that i'm not in love with him anymore....but i accept to get engaged with him. WHY.....WHY...WHYYY!!!!!! Wut have i've done!!

Another thing is .... i'm in love with someone else now. He's the sweetest guy that i've ever met in my life. The best thing happend to me last year was....to know him and to love him with all my heart. But for now....how am i gonna settle my problem with my so called "fiance"? I dun love him but i do care for him, meaning care for him as my friend no more as my lover.

For now, i have to face the problem and try to make things right. It was a hard thing to do, but i have to face it. I have to tell him and his mother what i feel and hopefully he can accept it. I know, i will break his heart in to pieces and i really hope he can accept it. Not only that, to his mother....i'm really sorry for what i've done. I know i will break your heart too...but u have to understand why i have to do this. Please understand, i'm making this decision not because i'm in love with someone else, but....hopefully she will understand wut i've been gone thru with her son for the past 5 years. I'm really really sorry....

Unintentional Idiots

People can be stupid sometime. Including me. Don't know where i put my brains sometimes. Maybe unconscious action. I dont mean it. Really i dont mean it.

U never aware what u did wrong, until people offended with what u have done. The thing with people, they tend to avoid it, not to face it. Silence treatment is the best, but once u hurt again, u will burst.

For me, hopefully it's not to late. No tears could amend it. No words can make it right. I have to solve it before it become worst. Talk about it. Don't back mouth about it. But again idiotic circumstances happen without u notice it, because sometimes we don't know what the hell we doing.

And i dont know what im yapping about, but maybe u understand what i yapping about.
Do u?

Married?

"So Lynn, when you gonna get married?"....

The clock is ticking and I'm not getting any younger but i always forgets that I'm 27 this year. No more hanky panky but the truth is, I'm ready to get settled down at all. But wut actually makes me still single? Let me see....

At this age, my financial is not stable and emotionally distress. How on earth i can be a queen bee to a family?

To some people, marriage is either to legalized everything and u can be with your
partner peacefully without worrying about JAWI knocking on your door.
To some people, they just wanted to have children of their own.
To some people, to have sense of belonging.
To some people, to have security and someone to depend on.

I'm not really sure why i wanted to get married someday. Perhaps an act of love. Perhaps all the above. For what i know, marriage is a life contract between two people. Life partnership contract for better or worse. To support each other sexually, mentally and emotionally. To be with each other until the day they die or perhaps divorce. So again... should i get married?

Currently I'm not seeing anyone but i'm in love with someone that i know i can't be with till the end. And i'm not really looking forward to go dating again. I'm in the tired mood, which way too tired to hope and fall in love again. I'm not asking for prince charming or any datuk A,B or C to come and marry me. All i need is someone i can get along with. Nothing more.
I'm tired to hope for Mr. right galloping with his horse, draw his sword and protect me from the bad people. I'm tired wishing for my illusion of a dream guy come true, which by the fact there's hardly good men anymore and obviously I'm not a good person either.

So simple, i just need someone i can get along with until the rest of my life. I can put up with all his cranky and bad manners. Just as long i can get along with him and he can get along with me.
I'm tired sacrificing my time, money, life, hope, feelings, dream and let it shattered into pieces just by learning that we cant get along. Almost my past relationship come to an end because we cant get along. Hardly because of third person. I did'nt care about love anymore because I'm tired to hope and wishing because when you started to love again, when it doesn't work out, you feel like the whole world against you. You feel your life is meaningless and everything you do, will leave you back in the solitude of depression.

I'm so fuck up, fed up, tired and stressed out about this relationship thingy. So to all my aunts, uncle's and relatives....stop asking me when I'm gonna get married. I rather be gay and not married if i can get along with a woman rather than a guy. I rather not married and commit sins by living together with some one i can get along out of wedlock. I rather fly off to foreign country and get a sperm donor, impregnated and have my own children if that's the worst case scenario. Because its hard to find someone you can get along nowadays.

My Love Life ...it's complicated...

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
Words and music by PATTY SMYTH and GLEN BURTNIK

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have sombody by my side

And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry

That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall

Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all

It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay

Peninggggg!!!!

Alot of things happend to me few weeks back. Happy, sad, angry, mad and the most things that really bother my mind now is CONFUSED!!

On the 25th June i've join Celebrity Fitness. Hahaha.....trying hard to stay fit and slim down like my younger days. Hehehe...baru sedar sekarang dah tua. It's fun because GG, Anis, Dory and Hafez join together to acheive one goal that is.....trying to stay fit & healthy.

Secondly....let me see...there's one day, i remember its on friday nite, i went to seremban to see my mom that was admitted in the hospital. Then, i went out with few friends to karaoke somewhere in Seremban ( i dun remember wuts the name of the place ). Nak jadikan cerita, when i was on the way out from the karaoke place, out from no where, there's one old fat malay guy asked for my IC. Oh shit!! there was a rush at that place and we didn't know about it. Damn!! Actually, we didn't know there's a dangdut one floor up from the karaoke place that we went. The rush was for the dangdut GRO's and they guess that me and my friends working at that place. WTF! Please....i'm wearing a winnie the pooh t-shirt, jeans and pakai selipar. Please laa....if i want to go to that kind of place, surely i will wear some nice clothes and somemore, one of my friend wear tudung! Can't they think!!??
Next, all of us was taken to Seremban 2 Police Station with the police truck. Some experience! That was my first time in my life to ride on the police truck and to be in the police station like i'm some lady killer. It took 10 minutes to the police station, 5 minutes to fill in the form, 2 1/2 hours to wait for our turn to check our urine and another hour to be free. OMG! now i know, actually our malaysian police is such a jerk and stupid! There's a story behind it and i dun think so i want to shout it out here. But, i really enjoy one thing. For me....i enjoy free fashion show in the police station. Meaning, most of the GRO is old, blond and got alot of extras tyre here and there. Its totally different from the GRO here in KL. Hehehe....i really enjoy that moment.

Hmm...wut else...today, i've been dump. My boyfriend asked for a breakup without any reasons. I dun know how i feel now. CONFUSED!! After 6 years relationship, end up like this. Actually, i do care for him, but the love is not there anymore. I've been feeling this for the past 2 years. Lets just see wut happend after this....

to be continued.....

My Love Story...

Takkan
Artist : Ten 2 Five

Dia...
Yang slalu kuingat
Takkan pernah hilang
Dari relung jiwa

Mengapa...
Tak pernah dia sadari
Getar rasa di hati
Yang kurasa kini

Takkan ku bina semua
Rasa cinta ku padanya
Walau apa yang kurasa
Cukup pedih dan membara
Takkan ku paksa dirinya
Memberikan cintanya
Karna ku tau dia takkan bisa
Tinggalkan cintanya

Ooh...

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